i never thought i’d be the person writing in all lowercase but here we are.
all i’s should be lowercase. i am not God. i do not want to presume that i am more important than her or him or them. i am happy with my little head floating just above the surface.
i am 5’6” which is tall-for-an-asian-girl, but my spine developed in the shape of a question mark as if my teenage body wasn’t sure what to do with all that height.
it’s the mind-body problem (classic). i cannot reconcile my inner world – the one that is small and quiet and wants to shrivel into the corner of a library with her knees pulled up – with these big bones and broad shoulders.
is there a problem with wanting to live with the ants underground? an ant can carry 50x its own bodyweight.
gym bros, be an ant.
it is currently 12:10 am and apparently midnight is when my phony ass decides insect metaphors are the pinnacle of intelligent prose. i am not a writer. i am only an engineering student with a moot degree after deciding to become another corporate android in the meta-crypto-web-whatever-verse. but look, i just want to buy aritzia tube tops.
i’ve decided to be alone, i think. i don’t mean alone like the unabomber. i don’t want to live in montanan woods and poop into a hole. i mean alone like when i fill out tax forms my relationship status will remain singular.
statistically speaking, not everyone is meant to find a partner (source: my ass). perhaps singularity is my destiny, which sounds incredibly depressing, but the acceptance of my eternal loneliness is unexpectedly cathartic.
i will remain a solitary speck in a universe where physical forces exist to pull its masses together. someone forgot to flip the switch on my gravitational field. if north and south poles attract, i will head towards the sunrise. i am good as a discrete entity.
perhaps it is selfish, deciding not to care, but who is hurt by this greed except a presumed soulmate or my unborn daughter?
i sat on a beach in san francisco watching paddle boarders on the grey waters. i dug my heels into the warm sand to shield my legs from the bay winds and time stopped. my world was my own.
what if i’m with him and he gets hungry? what if he wants to go? what if i go with him?
love doesn’t make sense to me if i’m supposed to give a piece of myself to someone else. if i’m meant to pay up front in vulnerabilities only to find out that if i stand on a beach in northern california, it will never feel the same.
so i will not know romantic love, but i do not wish to. if my heart experienced that power once it would be on a search for it forever and forget how good it was when she only knew herself.
perhaps it is self-preservation, but evolution would disagree, so maybe i was made biologically weak. the last of the spinsters.
something to think about: the male equivalent of a spinster is a bachelor.
i will be a statistical and evolutionary outlier. i will be excluded from the dataset. history will not remember me.
for now i just exist. a dot on the ridge of a mountain. standing over scottish bluffs. in the rainforests of the pacific northwest.